Day 18

Spooning wasn't too bad, Juan said I would have to get used to it as we would have to preserve body heat during the cold nights on our trek. It might have been more comfortable but he insisted in sleeping in the nude and appeared to have brought one of the religious artifacts into the bed with him and it spent most of the night poking in my back!

DJ Kirkby was asking about my arrest and I'll come to that soon enough but I want to go through things in order so I need to start with the plane journey from London to New york.

When we boarded the plane Juan was quite drunk but had calmed down a lot. I think he understood there was a chance of him getting thrown off the plane before we took off if he carried on making a nuisance of himself. He was kind enough to give me the window seat and then tucked in beside me, strapped himself in and before we were airborne was asleep.

Although I kept trying to sit him upright his head seemed to gravitate to my lap and he left a large pool of drool next to my crotch. The nice cabin assistant (Maurice) pointed this out with a smile, he was very friendly. When Juan woke up he and Maurice got on like a house on fire. They seemed to talk in code or something for example; when we were given snacks with a drink Juan joked about not choking on Maurice's' nuts (I didn't get it) and every time they mentioned something called the mile high club that caused an uproar. It was shortly after this the commotion started.

Juan had gone to the toilet and there must have been some sort of problem because Maurice had to go in with him to help sort it out, maybe the flusher stuck. All the time they were in there, and it was quite a while, a older plump lady was waiting outside. She must have been getting desperate for the toilet as she started pounding on the door. Everybody was looking and could hear them laughing and joking from inside.

When they finally came out the lady shouted and swore at them and Maurice was taken to a different part of the plane, Juan was escorted back to his seat and told not to move from there and promptly fell back to sleep.

The attitude towards us was very frosty for the rest of the journey but not as frosty as the reception I received when I arrived in New York. I'll have to tell you about that tomorrow because I'm going outside now for a swim.

Day 17

I was going to get you up to date on the last few days while on the airplane but as soon as it took off I fell asleep and only woke when I was told to fasten my seat belt. Luckily Juan was there to meet me at the airport, he'd been camped out there the last couple of days. He had fled New York when they arrested me but was sure I'd turn up sometime. He looked relieved and exhausted in equal measures.

We took a taxi to a nearby Motel and quickly filled each other in on what had been happening during the short car journey. It turns out that Juan's family had been to meet him in San Antonio but had no choice but to return to Guadalajara and await his instructions. We were going to have to wait for a week or so before they would be able to come back for us. I was not to upset by this news as it would give me some time to acclimatise and recharge my batteries. Juan was not as happy!

The Motel is nice and has an outdoor swimming pool which I might try out tomorrow. There are lots of bars and restaurants nearby, Juan wants to go out for a drink but I'm so tired, maybe tomorrow. I'm more concerned where I'm going to sleep as there is only one bed in the room Juan says we have to share and is keen on something called; el cucharear (spooning). Whatever that is?

Day 16

I'm finaly through customs and am waiting for the plane to Texas. I've no idea where Juan is, hopefully we'll meet up when I get there. Got to go, more soon!

Day 13

Well I'm here in the departure lounge, bags all checked in and waiting for the plane. It's been delayed! We don't know why or for how long so we are waiting with one eye on the screen announcing departures. Well I am anyway, Juan is not taking it well for some reason. I understand we are going to miss our connecting flight but I'm sure there are others. I've not seen him like this before, pacing up and down and mumbling to himself. The drink probably doesn't help, he bought a litre of tequila at the duty free shop and he's already drunk a third of it. I tried to take it off him and he growled at me questioning my parentage.

Great! The flights ready for departure and we are being called to the gate. Just got to pack up this lap-top and grab Juan then we're off.

Adios (Good-bye).

Day 12

I met up with Juan yesterday afternoon and we went over the plan if I got stopped at customs. We had decided that it was best for me to carry the bag full of religious artifacts because we didn't want to bring any attention to Juan as he entered the country. I was to say that though on a hiking holiday I had brought with me some religious samples which I hoped to use to drum up business for the Internet site I was starting up after my holiday.

Although we had seats next to each other we were to travel independantly and Juan gave me the name of a motel near to the airport if we got separated. I would also need it to put on my entrance visa he told me.

He went through the list of things he asked me to buy for the journey and when I told him I bought drainpipes instead of flares he called me "pene" (according to my dictionary this means penis, I must have mis-heard him) and shook his head.

He told me to go home, pack and have a good nights sleep. I did and am now going to meet him at the airport.

Deséeme la suerte. (Wish me luck.)

Day 11

I've been shopping today and bought all my stuff for the trip. Compré un español al diccionario inglés! I hope this means; I bought an Spanish to English dictionary. I think this is going to be my most important buy as I'll want to know what's going on without having to rely on Juan all the time.

The other stuff I bought was mainly clothes and boots, also a rucksack and a sleeping bag. Juan says that although it's very hot during the day at night it gets very cold and I need to be prepared. He said to get some good walking boots not shoes in case I stand on a snake and it bites my ankle. Yuck snakes, I can't stand them and I had never thought about them until now! Do they have spiders in Mexico, I can't stand them either. He told me to see if I could get my hands on some flares it would be a good idea but he can lump that, I got the tightest drainpipes I could to stop the snakes getting up my trouser legs!

I also bought a large holdall to put the religious artifacts in, man that's one heavy bag. I'm meeting Juan in the morning to go over our plan and anything else that needs doing.

Adiós para ahora. (Goodbye for now.)

Day 10

I met Juan yesterday at 'Slots r Us' (it has a backwards r but I don't know how to do it) in the High Street. There is a cafe' in there at the back behind all the slot machines and we found a table in the corner out of the way of everyone.

Juan had an all day breakfast and I had a cup of tea. As he munched on his bacon he gave me an envelope. I started to open it but he told me not to as it was just a list of things I would need to buy for our trip, I tucked it into my shirt pocket. He wanted me to look at the list later, now he wanted to talk about the flight. I was a bit confused as I thought we would fly directly into Mexico.

Juan had other plans!

I didn't really understand most of it but this is what he told me; the RSbandits were after him as they thought him a threat to their industry and, because they had influence in high places including the police, military and politics we would have to be careful how we entered the country. We couldn't fly directly to Mexico as this was to dangerous we would have to fly to New York then take an internal flight to San Antonio in Texas. Once we arrived in San Antonio we would be met by members of his family and smuggled across the border into Mexico under the cover of darkness.

After he'd eaten we went a few doors down to the travel agents and bought the tickets. We leave on Friday! I am sooooo excited!!

Day 9

I didn't see Juan yesterday, I phoned him in the morning to see if he wanted to meet up. He told me he needed to relax at home and he struggled with his English a bit, which is usually very good, he said he was spent and split in two. It made no sense to me so I just let him go back to bed and I got on with something I had to do. Namely to let Mummy and Daddy know what I was up to (hope this makes you happy DJ).

Now I'm sure they won't have a problem with me helping Juan to find the RSbandits as they have always encouraged me to help others and to do the right thing. It's the gap year from college they may not agree with as my education has always been a priority to them since they packed me off to boarding school when I was five. Also Daddy is so looking forward to me joining the family business I think he might be quite upset. Anyway, there's not much I can do about it now finding the RSbandits of Guadalajara has become my quest. A bit like Monty Python searching for the Holy Grail but without the coconuts! Who knows maybe they have coconuts in Mexico I'll have to ask Juan.

Anyway I still haven't solved my problem; Mummy is on a cruise somewhere in the Caribbean and I have no idea how to get hold of her and Daddy is in Singapore on business. Maybe I'll pin a note to the fridge when I leave.

Talking of leaving, I'm off up the High Street now to meet Juan and buy the plane tickets. How Exciting!

Day 8

It's been a week since I first met Juan and what a week, yesterday being no exception! I withdrew the money out of my account and found out, with a details of his bank account, I could easily transfer money to Mexico. I picked up Juan, he was excited about the news, then we went shopping.

His money making project was simple; a lot of the surrounding villages to his were very religious and they treasured religious artifacts but these artifacts were difficult to get hold of over there. The plan was to buy as many as we could over here and then sell them on in Mexico at an inflated price this would help pay back my investment. Where on earth would we be able to buy these artifacts I asked him and was surprised by his reply, we had to go to sex shops!


We had to buy up phallic symbols which were essential to well being and fertility of the villages, they pray to these all the time he told me. We had a list of essentials which would command the biggest payment and at the top of the list was the 'Black Double Dong Squirter ', this was two foot long, pumped, pulsed and vibrated. This he told me was revered and we needed as many of theses as possible and to keep my eyes open.


I'd never been in a sex shop before and it wasn't a nice place to go, as we entered the first one a young mum pushing a pram spat at me and swore, Juan swore back. Inside the walls were full of magazines ans dvd's of naked men and women some of them getting up to things that weren't natural. Juan told me to keep my mind on the job in hand then asked the man behind the counter where the dildos were. Now I knew what a dildo was, a religious artifact! They didn't have a great selection so I asked the man if he had a 'Black Double Dong Squirter'. He winked at me and smiled, he didn't have one but knew a man who did. We bought a few items then moved on to his tip off.


We spent the afternoon visiting all the sex shops in the area buying up religious artifacts and something called 'lube', apparently this is used extensively to anoint the sphincter or something in a religious ceremony, then I dropped Juan home. He didn't ask me in saying he needed to try out the effectiveness of the artifacts.

The rent boy was sat on the wall at the front of his bedsit as I drove by, someone must be in arrears!

Day 7

I picked up Juan from the station and drove him back to his bedsit, he wasn't in a good mood! He was grumbling about being let down, lack of funding and how was he going to manage now with just one idiot. I asked him if I could help and he told me only if I had a wheelbarrow full of Peso's. I didn't have any Peso's but about £25000 in the bank from my trust fund I told him, he kissed me again.


He told me it would only be a loan and he'd pay it back with interest. Could I get my hands on any of it straight away he wanted to know. I told him I could draw some of it out on Saturday morning but a large amount would take a little longer. He asked me if I could take out £3000 because he had a money making idea and for me to enquire about transferring money to his account in Mexico as we wouldn't want to be travelling with a large amount of cash. I said I'd do my best and would pick him up from here as soon as I'd been to the bank.


I had to leave then as my arm was aching from the jab and I was feeling decidedly unwell. On my way out of the front door I passed a young guy carrying a pizza and a bottle of tequila, he looked just like one of the rent boys.

Day 6

I wasn't sure if the gentleman tapping me on the shoulder was in fancy-dress or not. He was wearing a large sombrero, a colourful poncho, well worn jeans and cowboy boots with spurs that jingled when he walked. He also had a tanned face (weather worn) a large bushy moustache and pearly white teeth when he smiled. His accent sure sounded Spanish so I was torn, are you a real Mexican I asked him. He laughed and replied of course I am and shaking my hand firmly said I am Juan Sanite from Guadalajara in Mexico! He pronounced it Me-he-co, I still wasn't sure.

He said if I liked he would try and convince me he was Mexican by telling me a little about his country and why he was so far from home, I followed him back up the stairs and to a vacant table. As we sat down two other men came over towards us, Juan hissed something at them and they flounced off. Juan was castigating his landlord for sending the rent boys to find him and he scowled at them then he turned to me and smiled. I couldn't hear what he was saying due to the music and his accent so he had to pull his chair close and get right up to my ear. He had his hand resting on my thigh and complemented me on my package. I should open a Virgin concession here I told him, he didn't think it was a good idea!

He told me he was from a village near La Predad de Cabadas a town south west of Guadalajara, a village with a serious problem. They were losing all the young men and had no-one left to work the fields, bring in the harvest and tend to the livestock. Soon their village would be gone! He wiped a tear from his eye, they are being kidnapped by rsbandits he told me. I had no idea what an rsbandit was and he looked at me strangely when I told him as much then he seemed to twig. Rs! He said is because they are Really Scary, Really Scary Bandits!

He told me that he had come to England for help. He was looking for a savior. A man brave, strong, clever and cunning to out-wit the rsbandits and bring the young men home. I told him I was his man!

He hugged me tightly, kissed both my cheeks and hard on the lips then toasted my health just as the curtains pulled back to reveal twelve inch Jack! I COULD see him from the back of the hall!

I'm off to the station to pick up Juan, more tomorrow!

Day 5

So I entered the club with one eye on my package, the other on my backside and the lime green penis glowing on my hand.

To enter the main part of the club I had to walk up a flight of stairs which took me up to where the upper circle would have been. This was cleared of seats and now took on the appearance of a terrace with tables and overlooking the dance floor and stage. I walked over to the railings to look for my friends and couldn't see them, what I could see was impressive though.

There were two sets of stairs running down against the wall from the terrace to the ground floor and ultimately the dance floor. On the walls either side of the dance floor were two long bars both full with thirsty dancers waiting patiently for the sequin clad barmen to fill their order. On the wall directly in front of the dance floor was the stage, this was presently obscured by huge velvet curtains. To one side of the stage was a DJ hard at work encouraging the dancers back on the floor and to the other side were two suspended metal cages. Both cages had scantily clad men in them dancing enthusiastically to the sound of a toe tapping tune. I was starting to feel overdressed and really needed a drink.

As I headed down the stairs to the nearest bar it felt like everybody was looking at me. Somebody shouted something which I couldn't hear over the music and another wolf whistled, the place erupted in laughter. I looked around to see what was funny and must have missed it as I could see nothing. I walked to the bar and waved a £10 note in the direction of a barman to attract his attention, eventually one came. I asked him for a half of bitter shandy and he told me it would cost more than a tenner for a hand shandy. I nodded and smiled as if I knew what he was talking about and asked again. He shook his head walked off then came back with a bottle of Corona, jammed a slice of lime in the top, said close enough, took my tenner and disappeared. While I was waiting for him to come back a man tapped me on the shoulder and said hey gringo you like the Mexican beer?

This was Juan!

Day 4

Got an appointment at the doctors on Friday for Typhoid and Hepatitis A jabs, didn't need a tetanus because I'm all up to date. I made an important purchase yesterday, one I'm really going to need if I'm to keep this journal up and running when we get to Mexico. I had a chat with a nice guy in the Computer Shack in the High Street and he helped me a lot. To be able to get on the Internet with my computer well away from a phone line I need GPS or PAL or DIK or something. Anyway, Billy sorted me out with a package which he says should suit me fine. I got a new lap-top which connects to a new mobile phone which finds a satellite so I can get on the Internet. Also two spare batteries an in-car charger and because I spent over £3000 he threw in a cool carry case!

Then Juan rang, he's coming back on Friday. He's had some funding problems but has some ideas to talk to me about when he get here. I told him about the new stuff I'd bought and he didn't seem very happy and was even less enthusiastic about my online journal. He told me he didn't want me to do it and take the equipment back. I put my foot down and told him if I couldn't blog then I wasn't going, he changed his mind then. He must have dropped his cup at this point because he cursed and said something about not losing another mug then hung up.

I was going to get you up to speed with the nightclub but I'll have to do that tomorrow as I have to go and pick up my lap-top. My next post will be from there! Woo Hoo!

Day 3

I've just tried to phone Juan but am getting no answer. The signal where he is must be bad or he would have phoned me by now, that was one of the reasons for borrowing my mobile phone. I also lent him £350.00, the most I could get out of the cash-point in one go, and I'm sure he won't go anywhere before he pays that back to me. I'm not worried he hasn't called it's just I want to see if there is anything he wants me to do to get ready for the trip before he returns. Looks like I'll have to use my initiative then! I've got a little while before I have to go to the doctors surgery to find out if I need inoculations for my visit to Mexico so I can tell you a bit more about the nightclub.

I found myself inside the foyer not really sure what to do next. I stood for a while and took in the surroundings. The room was huge, brightly painted and full of men congregating in small groups but the thing that caught my attention immediately was the smell. It was lovely! It reminded me of going to the perfume counter at Debenhams with mother when she went to buy her face powder and wax strips. The next thing that stuck out was that there were quite a few women in here who I hadn't seen come through the door. I'm sure I would have recognised them as all of them seemed to have rather large hands and feet and spoke with deep voices. One of them had a five o'clock shadow! That's when it clicked, hormone replacement therapy! I remember when Aunt Gladys was on it and she grew a moustache. My Aunt had a patch you know I told one of the ladies and she asked me if she my Aunt was a pirate. Bet she was no patch on me said the lady she was with who then puckered up and blew me a kiss, the both laughed in a very manly fashion.

I was getting my bottom pinched quite a bit standing at the top of the stairs and in the way of everyone so I decided to move. Also in case they weren't pinching my bottom on purpose but trying to pinch my mobile I put that into my front pocket. I noticed this young guy looking where I had just put my phone and asked him what he was looking at. He told me he was admiring my package. I nodded in understanding, it's a virgin pay as you go I told him. Of course it is he said and winked at me while telling me he'd see me later. I liked it here!

I thought it would be better to wait for my friends inside the club so went up to the ticket booth with my invitation in my hand. Behind the counter sat a man in black leather; jeans, waistcoat and flat cap, both of his nipples had earrings in them. When I asked him if they hurt he told me only if I pulled them, there was no chance of that happening! I gave him my ticket and he asked me what it was, my invitation to the beating of the meat I told him. You and 300 other blokes he relied but you've still got to pay to get in. I couldn't understand, I'd already paid £50 for the ticket and now, because I wasn't a member I had to pay another£25. I handed over the money and he stamped the back of mt hand with a lime green penis and I headed for the entrance.

More Later I've got to go to the doctors!

Day 2

I arrived at 8pm sharp as requested and stood outside 'The Ring of Fire' waiting for my friends to arrive. The road was very quiet and for the first ten minutes or so I was waiting nobody entered or left the building. I gave it the once over from where I was standing and it looked like an old cinema, probably called The Ritz or Roxy in it's heyday, it looked like it could do with a bit of loving care now. The glass frames which used to hold the adverts for the upcoming films were still there but now strangely held pictures of men in their underpants with hairless shiny chests posing for the camera. 'Twelve inch Jack' was dancing tonight apparently! Was this the right place I wondered and how would people at the back of the hall see a foot tall man dancing? Bizarre!

People were starting to arrive now, men mainly and not many of them in fancy dress. I took my invitation out of my pocket and checked, it looked like the right place. I asked two men linked arm in arm ( what a friendly area this is) as they walked up the stairs to the entrance. They looked at each other and laughed before confirming to me I was in the right place. As they walked off one of them pinched my bottom, perhaps it was a little too friendly?

I had been there nearly half an hour and there was a steady flow of gentlemen into the club and some of them had actually come in fancy dress. One had come as Tarzan in a loin cloth and sandals another as a cave-man in furry underwear and matching boots. The guy who came as a cowboy had put on his leather chaps and had forgotten his jeans which revealed a very small pair of pink underwear. When I pointed this out to him he pocked out his tongue, turned around and waved his penis at me. You would see that from the back of the hall I thought as I felt myself going red!

Still no sign of my friends but as I was just thinking of leaving a pink limo pulled up to the curb. The doors opened to a cheer and 8 guys, all wearing brightly coloured tutu's and hiking boots jumped out. They formed a line, grabbed the waist of the man in front and to the tune of 'The Conga' wormed their way towards the entrance. As they came towards me the one in front grabbed my waist and steered me through the doors and here they left me!

Day 1 part 2

I couldn't wait to tell you something about my adventure and how it all started so here goes:

I spent most of my formative years in public schooling until at sixteen my Mother left my Father for her yoga teacher and a temporary cash flow problem ensued. I stayed with Daddy because "the bitch doesn't want a fuckwit (whatever that is) hanging around her apron strings!", I knew she didn't really say this and it was only Daddy letting off steam! As the money was tight to start with I was put into the local college after I finished my GCSE's.

I thought it would be hard to fit in at a new school but the lads embraced me. They all had pet names for me like; prick, dickhead and posh-fucker. It was nice to fit in! Tiny, a rather larger fellow unlike his name suggests, used to hug me every time he saw me. I don't think he actually knew how strong he was as it sometimes hurt when he grabbed me around my neck and pounded his knuckles into my scalp and sometimes when he twisted my nose it bled after the cracking sound. Oh well, a small price to pay for friendship.

I'm not really sure about my relationship with the girls. They always seemed to scowl at me and call me 'the proper count'! I told them on numerous occasions that though my Uncle was Knighted it didn't have any bearing on my title they just ignored me so I indulged them.

I had never been out with them socially as they had never asked so I was surprised and pleased when they asked me out to a special function. It was an annual event and it celebrated the 'beating of the meat', a local tradition apparently. I'd never heard of it myself but it sounded very popular and I was thrilled to find out it was a fancy dress event.

They all suggested that I would make a great James Bond and should turn up in a dinner suit and black tie. I arranged to meet them a at a night club in the seedier end of town, somewhere I'd never been before; The Ring of Fire!

Day 1

It's 3:30 am and I've just got home. I'm soooooooo excited! I made a new friend tonight, a Mexican gentleman called Juan. Juan Sanite actually and he needs my help. Me! He chose me and I am going to do my best to help him, help him find the RSbandits of Guadalajara!

This is an adventure I am never going to forget and I want to share my experiences so I've decided to write a blog as a diary of events.


We haven't started on our journey yet as Juan has to visit some friends in the North of England for a few days and then we'll be off. I'll use this time to fill you in on my background and how I came to be searching for the RSbandits of Guadalajara!